Co-dependency essentially is when one person is sacrificing more for the relationship, than the other. It is unhealthy and one-sided, with one person relying on the other for most of their needs. There is an excessive emotional and psychological reliance on the other, who needs the support, because of addiction or illness. There is generally a great imbalance of power with one using a lot of time energy and focus on the other, who will always take advantage of the situation.

Co-dependency is also known as Relationship addiction, because people often have relationships, that are very one sided, destructive and abusive. This leaves them feeling used and unappreciated. They carry on despite often feeling angry, but unable to change their own behaviour. They stay in these bad relationships, often to the detriment of good ones, such as other family members. The latter are often neglected, because of the amount of time spent tending to the needs of the other.

Co-dependency can sometimes be caused by childhood trauma, that has not been addressed such as abuse or neglect or even divorce. Also, a child may take on inappropriate emotional and household responsibilities in order to survive a traumatic upbringing. This causes the child to neglect their own needs for the sake of someone else’s. For example, a child with an alcoholic parent will often have to take on household duties such as cooking and cleaning, while maintaining his own attendance at school and the appearance of normality. Any type of trauma can lead to co-dependency relationships.

The person, who experienced the trauma, can feel completely and destructively dependent on the other. To break the habit of co-dependency in these circumstances, it is essential to get to the root of the problem and address it and begin healing the trauma.

Recognising co-dependent traits.

It is common for a co-dependent person to have low self-esteem, despite having an outward show of confidence.

• Having a lack of boundaries with both emotional and material things.
• Feeling responsible for solving the others’ problems. (Especially with Mothers and children)
• Often highly sensitive and often overreact, they have a need to please and take care of others.
• Find it extremely difficult to say NO, as they feel anxious if they disappoint others.
• Very often in denial, that there is a problem and linked with this is often a need to control.

How to stop being co-dependent

In order to stop being co-dependent, they need to start valuing themselves. Finding things, that make them happy and spend time doing things, that they enjoy. Control negative thinking and establish boundaries.

Co-dependent people tend to be ‘people pleasers’, but they need to learn to put their own needs first. For some, it may be necessary to have therapy to treat their co-dependency, possibly seeking medical help to treat underlying issues, such as depression, stress and anxiety. When issues are not resolved, unhappiness and loneliness can set in. This is how co-dependency ruins relationships. One gives and gives and the other continually just takes. They need to learn the difference between realistic support and co-dependency. People are only responsible for their own feelings. Practice saying NO, and if they are struggling, consider having professional help such as counselling. The obsessive behaviour that started early in the stages of co-dependency, gradually grows in intensity, which can cause low self-esteem, anger, depression and despair.

With addiction particularly, co-dependent people have the best intentions at the onset. They feel loyal towards the person, who is suffering and determined to help and resolve their situation. Naively they think, that by offering them help and support by physically accompanying them to recovery services they will happily go along with you.

They will have a detox, then hopefully re-hab and then all will be well. Life will then return to normal – Oh, how optimistic! If only that was true! It is only after offering this scenario repeatedly, that realisation dawns, that there is absolutely nothing they can do! the effort must come from them. However, they still battle on relentlessly, researching and encouraging them to seek the help they need.

After umpteen attempts to organise this by pestering anyone, who will listen and pleading on the addict’s behalf, there follows the embarrassment of the many broken appointments and the many apologies they must make. Then comes the anger and frustration, when they refuse the help or they start to engage with the services, but do not follow through. This can be beyond their comprehension. Why would anyone want to have this chaotic and dangerous lifestyle when there is help available? They often begin dislike this person, even though they still love them.

Following someone in addiction is such a vast learning curve! One major situation, that is such a puzzle to those not in addiction is the handling of being on a script. When they finally can go to a chemist all lovely and legal! No more pestering all and sundry for money. No more million phone calls to unsavoury dealers followed by lurking on street corners or down grubby alleys for their fix. No more furiously riding off on a stolen bike to find a puddle and a dirty stair well…No, they can legally go to the chemist and get sorted and feel better.

However, on certain occasions, they cannot even manage to do this. For whatever reason they can’t make the effort to get organised and go to the chemist. Then follows the begging, the pleading, the shouting and screaming trying to make them ‘see sense’, but there is no logic in an addict’s mind. So, the same scenario when they get ‘needy’, the pestering, the begging, pleading, shouting and screaming all for the ‘just £20 quid to make me feel better’ – a totally incomprehensible scenario, unless of course you are an addict!

Co-dependency is a complex subject. The moods of the addict and the ‘carer’ mirror each other. The two lead parallel lives. From a personal perspective, I can remember being absurdly and unbelievably grateful, when my son displayed ‘normal’ behaviour or was in a good mood. I felt the same and it brought a smile to my face. Likewise, when he was nasty and short tempered, so was I. I now recognise, that I liked to feel needed, but after persistently trying and failing to help him, absolutely filled me with despair and can damage your own feelings and self-esteem. This sometimes can lead to families looking for ways to cope, sometimes leading to them abusing drugs or alcohol. I thankfully never went down that path, but I can see how it could happen. Despair is such a strong and debilitating emotion.